PART TWO OF FINAL CHAPTER
“Listen to me, Bailey,” he said. “You need to turn your radar off. It’s working overtime.”
“What radar?”
“The ‘Sullivan Reardon is in Trouble’ radar. Look, you’re my best friend ever, and I love the way you always look after me. I didn’t even know you did it until recently.”
Balliol opened his mouth.
“No,” Sully said sternly. “You have to let me finish.
“Listen, let me look after you this once, Just, relax. There is nothing wrong.”
Balliol didn’t believe him, but he couldn’t do anything. And Sully was right about this, he couldn’t always look after him, especially if Sully didn’t want it.
“You’re sure?” Balliol said.
The look on Sully’s face was genuine. It was slightly confused, like it had discovered something.
“What?” Balliol said.
“I just realized something is all,” Sully told him. “And I realize for the first time that I can tell you this. I love you. I really do.”
And then Sully released his friend’s shoulders and went back into the Mason’s room.
Balliol felt loved, confused, and powerless. Sully was hiding something, something different. For Balliol was already sure that Sully had been hiding other things for a long time. Sully was full of secrets, and not about to tell a one of them.
“I don’t really know you,” he said to Mason.
For some reason Mason feigned density and said, “You’ve known me almost your whole life. We went to school together.”
Sully, who did not know Mason was feigning, shook his head and said, “Not really. I mean, Balliol’s my best friend.” He nodded to Tommy who was on the computer. “Tommy and I... have something. But I’m in your house, eating your food and I feel like a hanger on.
Like a party crasher.”
“That’s silly.”
“No it isn’t, Mason,” Sully said. “I’ve come to a point in my life where I have to say certain things. It’s not going to work if we’re just acquaintances. I mean, we’re together so much and all. That’s just going to be weird. That’ll make us like a clique. I hate cliques.”
“You used to be in one,” Mason said before he could put a hand over his mouth.
“Huh?” then Sully said, “Oh, the football team.”
“Whatever happened with that?”
“Things changed and... That wasn’t really a clique.”
“I think it was,” Mason differed.
“Well,” Sully shrugged. “Maybe you’re right.”
“We’re not friends because you’ve never bothered to say three words to me until now,” Mason told him simply.
“Now, you can be Balliol’s friend, that’s great. That has nothing to do with me. And I don’t even care if you are at my house all the time. It’s fine. Everyone else is. But there is nothing between us. I don’t really know you. In fact we do not touch any place, anywhere.”
“Lots of people don’t. Until they get to know each other.”
“You make it sound like it’s an accident,” Mason said.
“It is an accident. Some things just happen.”
Mason put down the tub of clay he was shaping into a torso and said, “No, I don’t believe that. Very little in the human condition just happens. It’s not just that we don’t know each other. It’s more than we don’t get on. We’ve never gotten on because you’ve never let anyone get on with you. You’re a very closed and secretive person who turns away any kind of friendship. I know that because I’m just the opposite. So don’t come to me talking about how things just happen.”
Mason smiled at him, picked up the clay and kept working with it.
“Now,” Mason said, more to the clay than to Sully, “I’ll be pleased to make jokes and have you laugh at them and listen to things you say. And I’m happy enough that we have mutual best friends. I have lots of mutual friends with lots of people. And there are lots of people l like well enough but who aren’t that close to me. Take Seth, my own godbrother. Come to think of it Chris Powers is my godbrother too. But I never really think about him. And think about someone like Jeremy Tepper. Nice people but... not really friends.”
Mason looked up brightly at Sully and said, “That can be you too.”
And then he turned back to his sculpture.
Sully looked at the other boy strangely. The meeting was adjourned. It would be too melodramatic to walk away and go home. Besides, Mason said he didn’t want him to. Mason had simply decided...
The soul selects its own society. Yes, that was what Dickenson had said.
Sully would not be part of Mason’s.
“I don’t even know if I’m supposed to come to graduation,” Joel said.
“Of course you are,” Sidney told him. “Hell, I’m coming to graduation, and Mason doesn’t even graduate till next year. And, if I know anything about Mason well, hell, he might not even show up. But I’ll still go.” Sidney reached across the table to where his cigarettes were in front of Mark.
“Have you heard from Seth?” he said.
Joel shook his head. “I mean, I know he’s safe. He’s with my sister. If you can call that safe. She’s almost as bad as my mom and dad. She doesn’t really watch after him to make sure he’s out of trouble.”
“Well, now really Joel,” Mark said. “It shouldn’t be that different then from when he was with you.”
Joel’s eyes snapped on Mark, and he said, “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Mark blinked and said, “I just meant that Seth is used to watching after himself.”
“Are you saying I didn’t do my job? I didn’t keep a close eye on him?”
“I’m not saying you didn’t do your job,” Mark said, cautiously. “But I think we all know you didn’t keep a close eye on him.”
“Oh, shit,” Sidney muttered.
“What?” Mark said.
“Well, yes,” Joel said, at last. “Now we come down to it.”
“Come down to what?”
“I’m sure I could never compare to you, Dr. Mark. I’m sure it’s all my fault that Seth’s on drugs and screwing left and right—”
“Look,” Mark said, “I’m just saying I don’t know why it comes to you as a surprise that Seth is... anything like he is.” He included Sidney in a gesture. “I don’t think it surprises any of us.”
“Of course not, Dr. Mark—”
“Stop calling me that.”
“No, you always let me know how it doesn’t come as a surprise that you live in a nicer house than me, and it’s not a surprise that your son’s the Valedictorian and mine can hardly pass school, and I bet it makes you laugh that Seth is out on the street. Poor Joel, couldn’t even raise a kid—”
“Maybe if you’d bothered to try instead of giving him a cell phone and letting him run around town all day with his hair uncut—”
“I didn’t have the perfect life you got. Hi I’m Dr. Mark Powers,” he mimicked. “With my big degree and my psychology—no, excuse me—psychiatry practice. Here let me tell you everything that’s wrong with you while I can’t even tell what’s wrong with me.”
“I’m going to get up now,” Sidney murmured and pushed himself away from the table.
“It’s funny,” Joel went on, “that you can sit here and tell me what’s wrong with my parenting ability. But the whole time after Margot died me and Sidney were raising your boy while you couldn’t help sticking it to Vanessa. Remember when your son didn’t eat because you didn’t cook and your house fell apart cause you were fucking a married woman. Because, gee Mark, I remember that—”
“FUCK YOU!” Mark roared so loudly both Joel and Sidney stared at him.
“Fuck you fuck you fuck you!” Mark shouted. “Don’t you dare try to throw the past in my face.
“Think about it, Joel. My wife died and I fell into a hole. And then you know what? I got the fuck back up and I did something for myself and my son while all you do is—”
Mark steered an imaginary wheel with his hands, “steer a fucking bus down the same goddamn route day after day, neglect your kid and feel sorry for yourself. And I’m sorry for you, and I’m sorry you’re jealous. But I am not sorry,” Mark finished, his face turning purple, “that my life is twice... No,” he shook his head, “three times what yours will ever be.
“You,” he added, “And your shitty son... who, by the way, abandoned mine a long time ago to hang out with burnouts.”
Mark was trembling. He looked like he was about to explode. Or implode. He turned to Sidney.
“Sidney, I’m sorry for this. Goodbye,” he said.
And then he walked out the door.
Joel stood numb for a few minutes. It was actually a few minutes, and then he said, “Sid, I’ll be back in few minutes.”
“Where are you going?”
Joel was already heading out the door as he said,
“I’ve already lost my son, I’m not going to lose my oldest friend.”
When Mark opened the door he looked more or less normal and Joel said, right away, “I’m so sorry, Mark.”
Mark stood there for a moment, in his shirt and tie, looking something between constipated and sick. Then he moved away and let Joel in.
“See, I’m not telling everything,” Joel said. “I haven’t told everything.”
Mark waited.
“It’s not just... that Seth left. Me and Seth fought. He… apparently a while ago he found out...”
Joel sighed.
“Mark, I’ve always tried to do the right thing. I always tried to do just what the Church said, but... I thought for once I’d have to do what my heart said. And... Shelley stays over sometimes. More than sometimes. I... didn’t want him or... anyone else to know. I thought I’d work it out in time, but Seth found out and he called me a hypocrite. Because I’ve been telling him not to have sex, not to use drugs. And he is and now he knows I am too. Not the drugs thing but... He said that. That I’m a hypocrite. That I was the same as him. And I am.”
“That’s bullshit,” Mark said in a soft voice.
Joel looked at him.
“I’m sorry for what I said about Seth but... This is true. Seth has been headed down a bad way for a while and.… I shouldn’t judge, but I’ll tell you this, Joely, you did the best you could and you can’t even compare what you think you haven’t done, or what you think you’ve done wrong to... Seth and the drugs and the... You’re not the same as Seth. You’re his dad and... take that back and use it. Show him.” Mark put a frustrated hand on his friend’s shoulder. He bit his lip.
“Joel, I have something to tell you. Since you’ve told me something.”
Joel nodded.
“Things aren’t perfect for me.”
“I know that. I was just—”
“No,” Mark took him by both shoulders, “listen for a minute, okay?
“They’re not close to perfect. Not with Chris. He doesn’t have any friends. He had one for awhile. They were really close, but then I think Chris pushed him away. Chris always pushed people away. He learned it from me. He learned to shut folks out. That’s what I do. I taught him because I’m so cold.”
“Mark, no,” Joel, told him.
“Yes,” Mark said, “And what’s more, I know I’ve been cold and dishonest to most people because—you know what? I don’t feel that way anymore. I’ve changed.”
“You’ve gotten more temperamental,” Joel tried to joke.
“I’ve gotten more everything,” Mark told him.
“Almost like you’ve fallen in love.”
“Because I have.”
Joel cocked his head, and then he smiled from the side of his mouth.
“Like me,” he said. “It’s too bad we worry for our boys, but at least we have ourselves. Why’ve you been keeping her a secret, Mark. I’m so sorry we fought. I’m sorry for all that. I want to meet her.”
Mark shook his head.
“No?” said Joel. “What?”
Mark sighed and turned his head, and then he swallowed.
“Mark, man, if you have something to say, say it.”
“I hoped you all would guess it. Really, I hoped Sidney would guess it. I didn’t want to have to say it. I thought... it could be a secret a little longer.”
Joel still looked confused.
“It’s in your face,” Mark said. “So in your face you can’t even see it.”
“No,” Joel agreed, cautiously, “I can’t.”
“Rick,” Mark told him. “I... he’s the one I love.”
“Really?” Joel furrowed his brow.
“Really.”
“How long?”
“Three months now.”
“How... serious is it?”
“We sleep together.”
Joel cocked his head, looking at Mark strangely.
“Please,” Mark pleaded. “Don’t try to picture it. Just... accept it. If you can.”
Joel took a deep breath and then looked at his friend.
“Mark, I wish I’d known before.”
Mark nodded.
“I wish I’d told you about Shelley.”
Neither one of them said anything.
At last, Joel said, “Mark, you’re my oldest friend. Your happiness is my happiness, all right? And I can accept any part of you.”
“That,” Mark began, “wasn’t nearly as scary as I thought it would be. I don’t know what I thought would happen. We should... we should tell each other these things and not hide them, not be so ashamed.”
“Well, see, Sid, we thought we should tell you.”
“Well, that’s nice,” Sidney Darrow said. “I’m glad you considered telling me.”
“Oh, don’t be like that, Sid,” Joel said, but Mark said nothing. “Both of us just found out a second ago. It seems...” Joel looked around at his two friends. “We’ve all been sort of hiding things from each other. I’m glad that’s over now.”
“I would like to go on the record,” Sidney said, “as hiding nothing from anyone.”
He turned to Joel.
“You and Shelley?”
“Yes.”
“How serious is it?”
“Pretty serious. Very serious.”
“Well,” Sidney considered. “Well, really, I’ll be damned. I should have put it together. And you, Mark?”
“Huh?” Marl Powers started, as if he was a student in class who had been called on by surprise.
“Mark,” Sidney said again.
“I’m stupid,” Mark said. “I’m the psychiatrist, right? Why didn’t I see it in myself? Maybe I thought I was too old. Too old to change,” he elaborated.
“Did you ever...” Joel began, “think about it? Think about doing that?”
“No,” Mark said. “Not really. I don’t... I don’t know. People are complicated. To turn on the TV you wouldn’t think that, but people are, you know. And I really don’t know how I felt. I don’t think I began to feel anyway until Rick told me how he felt. You were right Sidney. About the red tie and things.”
“I was just joking,” said Sidney. Then, “well, sort of.”
“But you were right,” Mark said. “I should have told you. I should have told both of you.”
Sidney shrugged. “You had something you wanted to keep to yourself. Until it was time. That’s understandable. I’m sure there are things I want to keep to myself.... Though I can’t think of them.”
“I thought,” Mark began, “I really thought... I don’t know… I didn’t think it would be this easy to share it with you.”
“It’s not that easy,” Sidney said honestly. “All my life you’ve been Mark, and now you’re Gay Mark. I’d be lying to say that it doesn’t have me looking at you sort of strange.”
“I can handle you looking at me strange. You’ve been doing that for the last thirty years. I just... I’m glad it doesn’t really change things. You don’t think less of me or anything.”
Sidney shook his head.
“I should have known,” he said, “You were always too neat to be straight. Really.”
“I wasn’t neat until Margot died.”
“Maybe that’s when you switched.”
“Sidney!” Joel exclaimed.
But Mark just smiled a little, shrugged and said, “Maybe.”
Lincoln Balliol was heartily sorry that he’d taken AP European history and was just about ready to throw in the towel when there was a knock at the door.
“Come in, Ma!”
But it was Sully.
“I’m sorry to disappoint,” he said, and sat on the bed.
“No,” Balliol shook his head and closed The Rise and Fall and Rise of the West.
“Actually it wasn’t Mom I needed. One of my grandmothers would have been better. Either one. Both of them are European history incarnate. Or maybe this guy.” He passed the book to Sully.
“By A.H. Balliol...You related?”
“He’s a Scottish cousin. But I suppose all the Balliols in Scotland are related. We’re an old family.”
“You’re a royal family,” Sully pointed out. This was something Balliol never talked about.
Balliol shrugged and rolled over on the bed.
“I talked to Mason today.”
“Really,” he sat up. “And how did that go? Or, better yet. Why did that go?”
“I thought that I was over at his house so much we should really get to know each other. Instead of just being acquaintances. We’ve been acquainted my whole life. And… I think we should move onto actually being friends.”
“You told him this.”
“Yes,” Sully nodded. “In so many words.”
“And he said?”
“He said he wasn’t interested. He blew me off. Cool as anything.”
“Well,” Balliol almost laughed.
“That’s not really funny.”
“Mason’s funny,” Balliol said. “He is. You never know what he’ll do. He’s really friendly but he’s no pushover.”
“Does he hate me?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Does he ever say anything about me?”
“Not... really.” Balliol said. He had stumbled, which meant he had lied.
“What does he say?” Sully demanded.
“See, Sullivan, there you go. I never understood people who were obsessed with what other people said about them. Who gives a damn?”
“I give a damn. I usually don’t. But this time around I do.”
Balliol gave a long sigh.
“Balliol?”
Then he said, “Balliol, you can sigh till the cows come home and I’m still going to want an answer.”
“He thinks you’re a bit of a git,” Balliol said. “All right?”
“A git? Is that British?”
“It sort of translates itself,” Balliol said. “He thinks you’re sort of stuck up and into yourself, hard to know. Secretive.”
“So you’re saying he doesn’t like me?”
“Sort of,” Balliol smiled guiltily.
“He’s kind of right, though, isn’t he,” Sully said.
“Hum?”
“I mean, I am a git. Really. I just kind of wormed my way into the group, and I’ve never even bothered to thank Mason for coming to his house or… anything. Does he think I’m a parasite?”
“He may have used that word a couple of times.”
“He really hates me,” Sully discovered.
“No,” Balliol shook his head. “Mason’s level headed and doesn’t really have time to hate people. He dislikes you, but he’ll put up with you. For my sake and Tommy’s cause he knows you and Tommy are friends. But...”
“I don’t think I can have that. I think I have to make stuff right,” Sully said.
“I don’t think you can turn Mason from doing anything. I mean,” Balliol said, “He’s funny. He’ll crack a joke tell a silly story, some people might even think he’s shallow. They’re idiots. When he sets his mind to it he’ll do something like... like take that gun out of Dave Riley’s hand. You can’t move Mason.”
“What if I try?” Sully said. “What if I consider the idea that moving him is a possibility?”
Balliol said, “You’ve gotten strong all of a sudden this year. What if you do? I’d like to see it.”
Sully rubbed his hands together. He looked a bit like a pixie, and he was getting ready to say something important.
“Out with it,” Balliol told him.
“I have something to tell you.”
“That’s why I said get on with it. Please, Sullivan.”
“Well, it’s not easy.”
“Would it be easier if I told you a secret first?”
“You have a secret.”
“You think you’re the only one. You think you’re so terribly interesting. I see,” Balliol said. “Well, yes, I have secrets too.”
Sully gathered his long legs onto the bed and drew them under his chin, waiting.
“I like the Internet,” Balliol said. “I mean, I really love it.”
Sully looked at him oddly, and said. “That’s it. You’re weird, Bailey.”
“No,” Balliol said. “Then, well, yes, I am. But there’s more. See, I like to go into the chat rooms, and the thing about them is that you can go on as anybody. People call me Chicago.”
It took Sully a moment to catch on and then when he did, he had a look on his face like he was running down the street, running toward the end of something, trying to catch up.
“You can’t be Chicago,” Sully said. “Not my Chicago.”
Balliol nodded.
“I mean, I changed some facts. Like I said my real name was Robert cause I wanted to make sure your real one was Sullivan. And… I know it was probably not exactly right but… There it is.”