I don't know exactly who I'm talking to. When I'm writing I never know who I'm writing to, but I imagine I know who I wish I'm writing too. And I have a belief that in the magical act of writing I may even create the audience I seek. If I write and write you will be born. I believe you are already born and my fingers on the keyboards might be a song that you hear with your super super inner ear.
How do I see you? You are gay and at the end of gayness, to a place where that word which worked for some people for some time does not work for you. You are... not lonely, but alone without much stake in anything that has been handed to you with the word gay. You are disappointed in gay men, in men in general. You are sitting here reading believing that we can do better, we can all do better. Our models of manhood, womanness, "gay-ness" are all pretty shabby. You would like a new animal, but what shape it will take, will it have horns that stab, you don't know yet. Having discovered that you are not what the world calls straight, you are desperate for something better than what is called gay and pretty upset with the shit you have been handed. You are, perhaps, a little cynical. You hope that perhaps there is something better. Surely, there must be. But, young as you are, you still have your doubts.
Doubting and desperation are not bad places to begin.
To begin with, there are a whole lot of things we might want to abandon. Shyness is the first thing I can think of. Shyness is, actually, a tactic. It is also a bad one. Many gay men believe it works. It only serves silence and makes communication impossible. It only makes one invisible. Forget what it makes a man appear to be, stuck up, effete; and let's think of what it achieves. Nothing. One of the problems with gay men, found even in the connotation of the word gay, is that many of us are possessed of an ethic fit only for a woman of the nineteenth century. Demureness, be seen and not heard. Be nearly invisible. Even those who refer to themselves as "straight acting" carry out a variation of this. If one is "acting", isn't he being something he is not? Isn't he every bit as camouflaged and silent as the effete man he ridicules? Silence and shyness, hiding and camouflage are a large part of gayness and these are things to be resisted.
On the occasions I meet with gay men, on those strange events called dates, books on my shelf are regarded as mysterious and suspicious. Any trace of personality or self esteem is wondered at. This says a great deal about the state of gay men in America, at least. Any idea expressed is regarded as radical, every strong statement is remarked upon as bitter. Traces of intelligence are things most of the gay men I've known don't know how to deal with. The fact that a queer displaying signs of life is threatening to gay men says that no matter what gains have been ostensibly made, no matter how many gay couples kiss on television, we haven't gotten as far as we think.
There is nothing wrong with a rowdy man. We ought to be awake enough to be angry and not just bitter over the little injustices which we have personally suffered. We ought to be strong enough to have truly strong opinions and not be afraid to show them.